Swallow Crystals and Laugh Prisms.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

physical fights feel so good. i think it's healthy to release the primal, there's so much tension in a day sometimes at the end i just want to throw up or fuck a lot or fight. tonight i want to cough until i vomit and then sleep forever with rich dreams that show me something. i don't want a morning or an afternoon but i want a night of madness.

portfolio class made me mad the english way. just listening to irena and that other dude and paul... it's like they're from a different planet. i understand everything they're saying but every atom in my body rejects it. i was convulsing inside. The huge rant about professionalism. i'm fucked. i always get personal. i put such an emphasis on the personal. i don't want to be professional, i want to pull people into my whirlwind and have them right there with me.
i like andy because he thinks about the individual and doesn't generalize a group. i need to work through some stuff. i've NEVER compromised a part of myself for anyone and it's going to be REALLY WEIRD to start editing myself now. i've always forced myself on others and made them conform to ME. now i shouldn't have pictures of naked chicks on a website or anything and it boggles my mind. is nudity offensive? I want to make transgressive art. i want to make things that challenge peoples' perceptions of what is appropriate. this is about my life. this is about how i see life. it's about sex, it's about getting out of your mind or getting deeper inside of it, it's about rock and roll, it's about getting wild, being primal, being indulgent, thinking about yourself and taking control of your life.
i'm confused.

it was really bizarre during the visiting artist lecture experiencing the tiny interactions between the artist and the illustration professors. it was like a bunch of sell outs chuckling. it was a little sad to me because i think that essentially all artists want to maintain their integrity of vision and not change their form of expression in exchange for some cash. and i find it sad that people let themselves believe that that's necessary.
call me naive
i just know that there are artists out there that DO unapologetically maintain their integrity AND are successful. and i know it's possible.

I think i figured out why i'm so weird when i talk in class. i think it's my shyness coming through in a new way. i think i'm pretty socially awkward, well, i know i am when i'm not one on one. so i think that's what's happening especially in Degree Project or when i'm really blunt.


grandillustration said...

"i just know that there are artists out there that DO unapologetically maintain their integrity AND are successful. and i know it's possible."
I can't agree with that more. They keep hammering in our heads to find our market...I think I know my market to a degree and it isn't the suit and tie corporate shit they seem to overly emphasize, at least some teachers. My parents deal with that bullshit all the time with their business since I was like 7 and I have grown to loathe it so much. I don't want my art to serve those people...they nitpick about every little detail, they have no taste... I want to make art to serve the small community...the casual crowd...people with character...not some corporate committee or a bank, and I know for a fact it can be successful...I know my brothers have been with their art and screen printing. I feel I'm always being lectured in classes that it isn't easy in the "real world"....whatever they mean by "real world" I think back to it since elementary school that has been said to me to some degree. All this talk about success...what is success...I just want to survive...programmed in my brain...my definition of success seems so far off from the success I seem to always be preached by my "superiors".........I love art...I think about it constantly...I like to make things...I like to create...I like my art to serve somewhat of a purpose...but it isn't always important...I want my art to be free...I don't care much anymore if people like my art or not...I just want to make honest art...and maybe some people will like it...which rocks. Because they probably have something in common with me. I'm looking forward to graduating...I am in the process of getting a job maintaining 82 acres of pristine Connecticut land owned by artist and author Edward Tufte...he is building a sculpture park. My buddy worked for him last summer. He seems like a pretty unusual guy. I think I don't like illustration because I don't like being inside, never have. I rather work out in the field. Nature is my amusement park, the sky alone can change so much in a day...the atmosphere...the surge of energy from a coming storm...I feed off that shit. I have trouble sitting behind a drafting table and working...shit at this point I rather make art out of dirt outside...seems more like me then drawing on a piece of paper.

Tuesday Morning said...

WORD, brother.

The "real world" is such a bullshit concept. why are people trying to make us think we're not living right now? life is life there's no real world. ugh it makes me so angry. i'm too tired to sound intelligent right now. about that.
today i had a fantastic conversation with emily about the purpose of art, our purpose in art... god it was so good and frustrating. i figured it all out but i'm not going to write it here right now.
honesty is all there is i think. it's the most important thing. that's one thing we talked about. making honest art, even if we never "make it," at least our work will have been honest.
i'm gonna look up Tufte. that sounds like it's totally your bag. i hope you have time for vacations so you can still travel. i love making art in dirt.
more later.

grandillustration said...

i like tufte essay titled, "PowerPoint Is Evil"

Most of his sculptures are huge steel constructions.

I will be traveling. Im pretty sure I would go delirious if I didn't.