all right all right alll riiiightt

www.fuct.com
slow-mo Cocksucker Blues clip. epitome of tour boredom/blues, well at least Keith smiles

been working 3-10 hr. days at a self-run fuckin bunny war hospital, feeding the lil dudes milk, arm cocked-up pressuring 10ml syringes, running around cleaning cages, moving rabbits, refilling supplies, medicatingmedicatingmedicating. Crop of diarrhea babes this morning, most likely my own fault, then granola upstairs couldn't breathe so i'm nebulizing in the kitchen. always work faster work harder. how can i carry the weight of 100 lives?
the heat is unbearable, the fires 0% contained. at night the hills are outlined, in the morning at the end of my driveway I see the flames

i've got ideal clients, like freaking dream clients and I can't even work 'cause these rabbits are consuming my life. don't know how much longer i can hold out.

could go anywhere from here

Look for my jackalope/I Don't Want This Skin piece in the Dig either this week or next week.

I'm working on sketches for a cd cover/booklet, and finishing the split stitch outlines for "WITCH BABY" on the back of my jacket.

Honestly, I've been pre-occupied with survival and it's left me totally dry. I don't have the energy to make art. I haven't found that balance yet, and it's kind of destroying me little by little. If I'm not concentrating on survival, then I'm practicing the art of ESCAPISM. Emotional energy is at an all time low over here, the capacity has been reached.

In 10 days I'm moving out of my daydream place. I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm looking for live-in nanny positions. If I can just make a few hundred bucks I'm going to go on the road and hitchhike.

'cause when you ain't got nothing, you ain't got nothing to lose. And that's the point I'm at.

I have a little less than $40 left to my name.

In many ways, I feel like I don't know what else is left to push for. I have a really long list of goals, but I feel kind of done.

I know I have a lot of talents all over the board and it will probably take many more years to figure out my niche. Life is kind of daunting, and I'm not so sure I'm figuring out the rules of the game fast enough.

i've started reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley and it's a really intense experience. I've read nearly 100 pages in less than 3 hours and it's exciting because not only is the writing really great, the STORY is really great, and not only is his life really fascinating, but I can relate to how this man experiences life.
It's sort of made me think about individuals who have this sort of passion again.
i've been thinking a lot about passion and drive and the need to CHANGE the way things are for a while now. how those people usually die by violent means. i had a rant about it to my father after he picked me up from the train and by the time we were in amesbury i kind of walked the front yard and found myself crying because i know i'm destined to be one of those people. right now i'm living this way because i know i need to take full advantage of the time i can be free before a cause will find me and consume me and ultimately kill me

what i re-realized today was that No one will EVER be ready for us.
It doesn't matter who i'm talking about. if it happened 40 years ago or if it happens now. the mass herd will always be instinctually/primally possessed to eliminate those who threaten the coherence of the species in the population in the society in the culture that it attempts to exist/survive.
Whether they wear us down psychologically
and we off our selves one way or another. Isolation, suicide, alcohol, drugs, etc.

or physically
murder.
That's what it is one way or the other. I don't feel scared but I dread it because it makes me sad. I've felt it ever since I can remember.


extreme
richness
texture of experience
intensity
isolating
impatience
drive
passion
recklessness
impulsiveness
intuition
power
magic
confidence
belief

physical fights feel so good. i think it's healthy to release the primal, there's so much tension in a day sometimes at the end i just want to throw up or fuck a lot or fight. tonight i want to cough until i vomit and then sleep forever with rich dreams that show me something. i don't want a morning or an afternoon but i want a night of madness.

portfolio class made me mad the english way. just listening to irena and that other dude and paul... it's like they're from a different planet. i understand everything they're saying but every atom in my body rejects it. i was convulsing inside. The huge rant about professionalism. i'm fucked. i always get personal. i put such an emphasis on the personal. i don't want to be professional, i want to pull people into my whirlwind and have them right there with me.
i like andy because he thinks about the individual and doesn't generalize a group. i need to work through some stuff. i've NEVER compromised a part of myself for anyone and it's going to be REALLY WEIRD to start editing myself now. i've always forced myself on others and made them conform to ME. now i shouldn't have pictures of naked chicks on a website or anything and it boggles my mind. is nudity offensive? I want to make transgressive art. i want to make things that challenge peoples' perceptions of what is appropriate. this is about my life. this is about how i see life. it's about sex, it's about getting out of your mind or getting deeper inside of it, it's about rock and roll, it's about getting wild, being primal, being indulgent, thinking about yourself and taking control of your life.
i'm confused.

it was really bizarre during the visiting artist lecture experiencing the tiny interactions between the artist and the illustration professors. it was like a bunch of sell outs chuckling. it was a little sad to me because i think that essentially all artists want to maintain their integrity of vision and not change their form of expression in exchange for some cash. and i find it sad that people let themselves believe that that's necessary.
call me naive
i just know that there are artists out there that DO unapologetically maintain their integrity AND are successful. and i know it's possible.

I think i figured out why i'm so weird when i talk in class. i think it's my shyness coming through in a new way. i think i'm pretty socially awkward, well, i know i am when i'm not one on one. so i think that's what's happening especially in Degree Project or when i'm really blunt.

Being Back

Good things:

dancing to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction with Emily, singing it like we mean it.  a girl pulling me aside and telling me i'm the best dancer, she means it.  purchasing those dark green velour hot pants with belt loops.  wearing them with my cougar belt buckle and platforms.  Yesterday finding a carbon copy of the vintage fake fur jacket Alicia and I shared when we went to go see Orange Sunshine.  not eating as much and enjoying not having a stomach.  walking a shitton.  listening to Hawkwind right now.  changing his mind and behaviour pattern just by being me YEEah, baby!  feeling wild again.  walking all day in San Francisco, partying every night in the ballroom.  the neon lime green vintage micro Emily brought back from Australia for me.  drinking jack daniels from teacups.  my cousin taking it on as a personal mission to smoke my sister and me up with the best CA has to offer.  Being an animal and biting lips.  the bruise under my right shoulder.  riding a motorcycle with my kind of driver down the great highway and experiencing the most sublime happiness i've ever felt (well, tied with orgasms and Orange Sunshine shows).  living in delusion that this isn't boston.

bad things:

being real nasty to guys that i think are lame.  wanting the plane to crash coming into boston knowing i'd at least die happy.  deciding that i don't want to illustrate.  hurting one of my friends and getting the saddest poetic e-mails from her missing me.  having a terrible time writing my research report because so much has changed.  realizing the technical impossibilities of my installation.  not being on the west coast.

wild child

there's nothing like coasting home after midnight, a blues program on the radio, no commercials--pigs don't scare you because you've got nothing on you...just this magical dazed coasting. exhaustion like thick glasses
except with that weight inside your chest of the impossible week. i'm slipping back, my priorities are getting tired. i miss my rock and roll.
king khan & bbq show
darker my love, viva viva
bill kirchin
coyote kolb

i'm sorry.
i'm too worn-out. i know i can't lead these two lives right now.

It's the first Advent tomorrow, my parents gave me a gigantic chocolate pretzel, and advent calendar with chocolate behind the doors, an Entrance album ("Prayer of Death," which includes liner quotes taken from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, Uwais El-qarni [a Sufi mystic], and James Baldwin's The Fire Next Time), and my mother gave me her old motorcycle gloves!

Anyway, "Prayer of Death" is kind of all about death, and, being artists, we're probably all kind of healthily (or unhealthily) obsessed with it. I love Guy Blakeslee's lyrics, they are rambling and passionate and honest and reflective and powerful. They are complete on their own, yet fit into the structure of the music in such an unexpected way. Right now I'm feeling way more inspired about music than about my art. I dislike everything I'm drawing, except the Don Juan cover. Everything's from this photographic reference and it just looks so fake, it makes me ill. The things from my mind freak me out too much to draw, it's shit. fucked-up bodies limbs and patterns that don't make sense. i don't have a cute cartoon-y style, just freak disjointed rambling line experimentation. i hate looking at it or drawing near it. i have to skip a page in my sketchbook.

i want a wild man for the winter

let's get together tonight

C'mon Everybody
Eddie Cochran

I've been really getting off on old rock and roll this year.
Link Wray, Dick Dale, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley, Wanda Jackson, Ernie Chaffin, Gene Vincent, Bill Haley, Carl Perkins.
It's attractive to me because it's easy to dance to and it's pretty badass in the context of its time.
I still don't like Elvis or Jerry Lee Lewis and nothing's gonna change my mind on that.

By Thursday I'm usually completely worn-out. Wednesday is my break-down day. Last week was pretty bad in Advanced Drawing. I felt really guilty and so much of an under-achiever and then Margot yelled at me and I started crying in class and I just can't wait until all of this is over. Maybe I will stay in Boston an extra day over Thanksgiving break and try to catch up for those two junior classes. Last Thursday my mama came down to visit me after class and we walked around the North and South ends and Chinatown. I revel in the real dirty, gritty parts of cities and she hates it, but I still went the same way I normally do, down that loading area, stench of fish and garbage, concrete so filthy you wouldn't want to pick up a quarter if it was there. We went down into the Channel Cafe (positives: really pretty, well-designed, has live music and a gallery! negatives: does not have any liquor other than beer and wine, is expensive, is out in the middle of nowhere) to check out what was in the gallery but what we were REALLY in the area for was the ICA. The Tara Donovan exhibit was amazing!
It was a total visual trip. I was like, WHY IS THIS BLURRY??? It shouldn't be blurry.

All of a sudden I'm having trouble with the Johnny Cupcake's design. I don't like his line and I really don't want what I think is cool to be sold to the people that buy his stuff. How bad is that? Yeah, it's bad.

me in a year:



i can't get over this.

i'm sorry.


I got a squash court for the senior show! I feel good about degree project. I'm havin' fun, baby.

she gets off baby off baby off baby

I SPENT 6 HOURS ON THIS! you fuck
I deleted it off the UCF site because someone's comment made me really violent and I needed to prevent myself from attacking his passive-aggressiveness and insulting his manhood in what would have been a tirade that sealed my fate as a non-illustrator. Look, I can't work with your deadlines, I can't make myself do what you want. I'll get it done, no question, don't start lecturing me. Oh my god. If he has the actual huevos to bring that up in front of me, he's going to get it. I hope he doesn't because it's going to reveal my incapacity to be professional. Whatever. I have issues with passive-aggressive people. Don't fuck with me.

this is how i feel.


RTX is such the perfect soundtrack right now. feedbackkkkk distortionnn howling guitarr in distance, coming together, socking you in the face with building drums THEN weird metal tone " Well I'm the garbage collectorRRR *metal double
okay.
ciao chiquitas and chicossssss

rider

final compositional sketch for Detour:

colour study (see left margin):

Also did a lot with my werewolf motorcycle rider piece.

Linda says I should just set out and do one thing and that I'm thinking too much, and I should just not even think about all the other stuff until I'm done with one thing.  I really needed to hear that, and I've been really productive since.  She also mentioned the possibility of taking a couple incompletes and finishing the work over winter-break.

L.A. seems so close.

I bought a street map and tacked it up in my studio so that I can learn the neighborhoods and it will inspire me to work as hard as I can.

At the bookstore I was looking at Annie Liebowitz' American Music and there is this amazing photograph of Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry after a show at the Cow Palace in San Francisco in 1972.  Bo's carrying his own cases, and a girl is hanging around Chuck's waist.  Makes me think of the magic musicians have.

I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac's album "Then Play On," the Fleetwood Mac with Peter Green, before Stevie Nicks came into the picture.  I remember playing this record on the vintage red Braun record player in Delft with all the lights off except for the red light.  

I can't help it, I'm a very nostalgic person.

I'm feeling a little dejected.  From a number of things.  I've felt pretty isolated lately, this year I made the conscious decision to be more open to people, because I'm pretty unfair when it comes to that sort of stuff.  I have ridiculously high standards for people I take into my life, and I sort of "test" people before I bother getting to know them.  Well, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of elitism lately, and I'm definitely not done thinking about it, but it plays into this.  The thing that's bothering me is that I feel like I've made 2 or 3 good connections with people, but when I try to take the acquaintance up to the level of friendship, I end up feeling rejected.

I've never understood the concept of acquaintance, it reduces humans to Filler, to convenience to your own comfort.  You don't really learn about yourself or others through this type of relationship, it's essentially useless and superficial.  Thus, I've eliminated it from my life prior to this exercise in openness.

I'm feeling frustrated right now because this is kind of proving to me that the method I was employing before was the right one.  Acquaintance relationships leave me feeling even more alone.

Another possible factor might be that I come across as too intense, or that maybe I'm too fast.  I prefer working in a small amount of time, because I skip the bullshit.  I was talking about that with my sister.  How the concept of waiting to kiss someone or have sex is dumb; if you're feeling it: do it.

So what is it?

Does it have to do with the East Coast?  Does it have to do with my intensity or speed?  

rough day/year

I can't handle Illustration anymore.  I'm in the studio until midnight every night and I'm not getting anything done.  I've only finished one project, a bullshit one for Word & Image.  I have 8 finished pieces due this week.  I can't do this, I'm wearing myself down physically and emotionally I'm always on the verge.  I'm going to talk to Irena about this.  The class that bothers me the most is Word & Image, second most is Advanced Drawing.  That one more superficially, because it's a class I've already taken and passed, with an A, but the curriculum is completely different this time around.  The structure and assignments of junior year classes are just very different and they are everything that I hate about school.  The last three years have made me want to drop out, I've had to force myself to graduate.  The senior year studios are like a sigh of relief, FINALLY, a system I can learn from, and now I can't even fully concentrate on them.  It's incredibly frustrating, and infuriating.

Essentially, I feel punished for studying abroad last semester.  I need to graduate on time because I'm moving to LA and because I don't have money to stay in school any longer.  I want to switch to Art and Design but I wish I could keep Illustration IV and Degree Project.

I just want to pass the other ones.  I'm just not used to settling for less than a B+, so it's going to be really weird letting go of that.

HELP??!!