Being Back

Good things:

dancing to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction with Emily, singing it like we mean it.  a girl pulling me aside and telling me i'm the best dancer, she means it.  purchasing those dark green velour hot pants with belt loops.  wearing them with my cougar belt buckle and platforms.  Yesterday finding a carbon copy of the vintage fake fur jacket Alicia and I shared when we went to go see Orange Sunshine.  not eating as much and enjoying not having a stomach.  walking a shitton.  listening to Hawkwind right now.  changing his mind and behaviour pattern just by being me YEEah, baby!  feeling wild again.  walking all day in San Francisco, partying every night in the ballroom.  the neon lime green vintage micro Emily brought back from Australia for me.  drinking jack daniels from teacups.  my cousin taking it on as a personal mission to smoke my sister and me up with the best CA has to offer.  Being an animal and biting lips.  the bruise under my right shoulder.  riding a motorcycle with my kind of driver down the great highway and experiencing the most sublime happiness i've ever felt (well, tied with orgasms and Orange Sunshine shows).  living in delusion that this isn't boston.

bad things:

being real nasty to guys that i think are lame.  wanting the plane to crash coming into boston knowing i'd at least die happy.  deciding that i don't want to illustrate.  hurting one of my friends and getting the saddest poetic e-mails from her missing me.  having a terrible time writing my research report because so much has changed.  realizing the technical impossibilities of my installation.  not being on the west coast.

The Evolution of Detour:

- one million ideas
- in thumbnail/sketch phase, sudden unexplainable loss of about 9, 999,996 ideas
- combination of two ideas
- 50 thousand sketches
- stalemate
- 50 thousand sketches
- slooowwww progress on final drawing/painting.
- lack of confidence.
- fear that it's too overtly sexual.
- fuck it.

The last two nights have been good because I've been going out and dancing. It grounds me, it keeps me sane, it makes me happy, it rejuvenates me.


I was looking at some old footage of go go dancing on youtube yesterday and I can't find the one I wanted to share, but this one is the best out there. It's probably new to you,



If I still end up going to NYC this weekend, I'm going to get those silver go-go boots at Trash & Vaudeville. Anyone who reads this and enjoys this type of music should go to Cheap Thrills. It's every Thursday at Zuzu, mostly it's free, but if you're going with me, and it's not, I can give you the password.
Also anyone who dabbles in 70s hard stoner acid psychedelic garage rock should, aside from Orange Sunshine (YES I WILL FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM), check out Dzjenghis Khan. I'd recommend a link to a clip of a show I've been to, but either they have basically no picture, or shitty sound. I spent a good chunk of time with them whilst in Holland, and they're worth your time.
Here, I'll make it REALLY easy for you to listen to Orange Sunshine.



I was dancing exactly where the camera attempted to zoom into the crowd until the operator realized that there were no distinguishable bodies and only an inky black blob. Jesse (see Khan) and I were freaking out over Arthur's guitarage skills, Carson (see Khan) was probably disgusted at how sweaty I was when he was trying to grab my waist, and Graveyard was standing right behind us.

word. SUGGGGG

rider

final compositional sketch for Detour:

colour study (see left margin):

Also did a lot with my werewolf motorcycle rider piece.

Linda says I should just set out and do one thing and that I'm thinking too much, and I should just not even think about all the other stuff until I'm done with one thing.  I really needed to hear that, and I've been really productive since.  She also mentioned the possibility of taking a couple incompletes and finishing the work over winter-break.

L.A. seems so close.

I bought a street map and tacked it up in my studio so that I can learn the neighborhoods and it will inspire me to work as hard as I can.

At the bookstore I was looking at Annie Liebowitz' American Music and there is this amazing photograph of Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry after a show at the Cow Palace in San Francisco in 1972.  Bo's carrying his own cases, and a girl is hanging around Chuck's waist.  Makes me think of the magic musicians have.

I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac's album "Then Play On," the Fleetwood Mac with Peter Green, before Stevie Nicks came into the picture.  I remember playing this record on the vintage red Braun record player in Delft with all the lights off except for the red light.  

I can't help it, I'm a very nostalgic person.

I'm feeling a little dejected.  From a number of things.  I've felt pretty isolated lately, this year I made the conscious decision to be more open to people, because I'm pretty unfair when it comes to that sort of stuff.  I have ridiculously high standards for people I take into my life, and I sort of "test" people before I bother getting to know them.  Well, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of elitism lately, and I'm definitely not done thinking about it, but it plays into this.  The thing that's bothering me is that I feel like I've made 2 or 3 good connections with people, but when I try to take the acquaintance up to the level of friendship, I end up feeling rejected.

I've never understood the concept of acquaintance, it reduces humans to Filler, to convenience to your own comfort.  You don't really learn about yourself or others through this type of relationship, it's essentially useless and superficial.  Thus, I've eliminated it from my life prior to this exercise in openness.

I'm feeling frustrated right now because this is kind of proving to me that the method I was employing before was the right one.  Acquaintance relationships leave me feeling even more alone.

Another possible factor might be that I come across as too intense, or that maybe I'm too fast.  I prefer working in a small amount of time, because I skip the bullshit.  I was talking about that with my sister.  How the concept of waiting to kiss someone or have sex is dumb; if you're feeling it: do it.

So what is it?

Does it have to do with the East Coast?  Does it have to do with my intensity or speed?