change

Listen to your body.

Does your throat hurt?  Have you lied to someone lately?

After every third bite ask yourself if you're still hungry?  Are you drinking enough?

Not feeling anything about a situation does not mean that it invalidates the situation for what it was, or that you don't respect the feelings you once had.

Simply thinking about the situation is a way of honoring it in all of its complexity.

Letting go is recognizing that life is change.

Ritual is an outward manifestation of your intention to move on and allow change its path.

It externally supports an interior acceptance and is valid.

I normally never listen to this kind of music, but I turned on the RADIO this morning (88.9) and for some reason these three songs felt perfect at the time.

Blitzen Trapper- Furr  i like the myth.

The Clash- Straight to Hell

Cat Power- New York  i normally HATE her.

Then I went on a new music discovery binge and leafed through the Amoeba booklet and wrote down music that sounds intriguing.

I already am familiar with this album, but I highly recommend it: Roots of Chicha

The climax of Cheap Thrills last night was Bo Diddley's "Mona."

art.

today i'm going to do my next degree project piece.  i slept long and well with many dreams i can't remember.  

i'm blowing snot and blood and i'm bored with idea of being sick all the damn time.

i've got some ideas brewing.  i also have an opportunity to do an album cover... i haven't been inspired naturally yet, so it's time to look into my image banks and pull some stuff out and stare at it and piece it together.

i have no respect for reviews, i would cite this as a problem but that was my last one, so that's nice.  i think the only helpful/non-general feedback i got was from Chris Goodwin.  He gave me ideas of what to do technically, not vague suggestions or complaints about how i, (a) don't have concepts (b) that my concepts are too hard to understand.

also an interesting thing that i think two people mentioned was backgrounds.  i guess unless i'm doing a scene i just don't feel like putting one in because it feels arbitrary.  i think sometimes during reviews the reviewers kind of prepare themselves with a mental list of points and then go around to each person and apply that list to their work without taking the time to delve very deeply into the piece and try to understand what it needs.

also Emily was showing me pictures from Australia and her work is so inspiring to me.  she's just so free when she paints and draws.  i still want to feel that way...  i've got to get a new sketchbook.

i'm also sick of people talking about making larger scale work.  that's what i mean, they look for the opposite of what you're doing and assume that if they suggest the opposite, they're going to push you to do something real cutting edge.  it's so impersonal that i find it insulting.

i've got an itch in my throat

i keep feeling earthquakes

i am having an insane time trying to concentrate on this research report.  i'm taking care of a bunch of heavy emotional shit right now and it's really hard to figure out what should be my priority.  

i've been daydreaming all day and asking everyone i see weird theoretical questions.  i'm an inch away from getting sick.  what the fuck.  how 'bout my body just fucking sucks it up and stays healthy, huh?

Being Back

Good things:

dancing to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction with Emily, singing it like we mean it.  a girl pulling me aside and telling me i'm the best dancer, she means it.  purchasing those dark green velour hot pants with belt loops.  wearing them with my cougar belt buckle and platforms.  Yesterday finding a carbon copy of the vintage fake fur jacket Alicia and I shared when we went to go see Orange Sunshine.  not eating as much and enjoying not having a stomach.  walking a shitton.  listening to Hawkwind right now.  changing his mind and behaviour pattern just by being me YEEah, baby!  feeling wild again.  walking all day in San Francisco, partying every night in the ballroom.  the neon lime green vintage micro Emily brought back from Australia for me.  drinking jack daniels from teacups.  my cousin taking it on as a personal mission to smoke my sister and me up with the best CA has to offer.  Being an animal and biting lips.  the bruise under my right shoulder.  riding a motorcycle with my kind of driver down the great highway and experiencing the most sublime happiness i've ever felt (well, tied with orgasms and Orange Sunshine shows).  living in delusion that this isn't boston.

bad things:

being real nasty to guys that i think are lame.  wanting the plane to crash coming into boston knowing i'd at least die happy.  deciding that i don't want to illustrate.  hurting one of my friends and getting the saddest poetic e-mails from her missing me.  having a terrible time writing my research report because so much has changed.  realizing the technical impossibilities of my installation.  not being on the west coast.

i'm pretty sure thinking doesn't count.  so aside from some pretty intense personal work, i guess i don't have anything to show.

so shit.

i'm off to San Francisco in, like, 3 hours.  I'm pulling an all-nighter.  I haven't packed yet.  I haven't had a vacation yet.

i wanted to do personal work in time for reviews but i've been working and i've been sick and i've been tired and thinking and finishing up my incomplete.  i don't even know what to say.

i don't know if i'm disappointed in myself, because i'm not sure how much more i could have done.  that's kind of how last semester was/is.  

i need this trip.  going to a place where there are my sort of freaks, people who can get a little wild and not be chicken-skinned about something a little different, something a little ALIVE.  when i'm there i'm going to live like you can't really do, here.  

ciao.

if you want something, you've got to BE it until you ARE it.

Slinkster stone fox

(foreword: Okay so I kind of want to dedicate a post every now and then to some crazy slinkster woman i look up to or who inspires me.  lately it's been Uschi Obermaier.)

 
 


  


Can I just be Uschi Obermaeir without the heroin/speed habits and the dependancy on the men you're with as the determination of personality?
Yes?
Thankyou.

Uschi was a German model in the 60s who loved music and dancing and getting out of her head and was close with Keith Richards and Mick Jagger, and intimate with Jimi Hendrix.  She was also involved with Kommune 1 because her boyfriend was Rainer Langhans, though she wasn't terribly political.  Her soulmate was Dieter Bockhorn, who was kind of the king of Hamburg.  He was a real wild man, going on expeditions to Africa, would water ski in the Hamburger port.  The papers tried to make him into a pimp, but he wasn't, though he had a lot friends that were.  He owned shops and would handpick many of the items.  He had a monkey called Cheetah that got really jealous of Uschi.  A bit later into their relationship, he had a cafe called "Adler" (Eagle).  Together they bought a bus and made it so amazing that they received death threats and ultimatums, in exchange for the bus.  I wish there were more pictures of the inside.  They had a royal wedding in India and ended up in Mexico, where he eventually committed suicide, sick from love for Uschi, who refused to commit.  On New Year's Eve he crashed his motorcycle into an oncoming truck.  There is WAY MORE to this and it's all in her "auto"biography, but unfortunately that is only available in German at the time being.  Since I can read German, I uhh read it.  There's a movie out, though, it's called "Eight Miles High," or "The Wild Life" (the German title).

some advice from Uschi to you: "I tell them always to do what your heart says, and don’t let yourself fear, because fear in this society kicks out any kind of ambition or wild streak, so they conform. I tell them to go by your heart."

sighhhhh

also this has been insanely inspiring. thanks to Lilu.



I've been thinking a lot about my aesthetic. Mainly about how narrow it is. I think one of my resolutions next year will be to broaden my aesthetic. I feel very limited within, though the passion I do feel for it is very intense.

Yesterday after work I biked to the South End with Nadia to meet her friends.  It is so good be with west-coast'rs, we all have similar humour and I basically laughed the entire time.  Probably at things that weren't even funny.  One of them was so much San Francisco that it was painful in the homesick kinda way.  They had just drunk a pitcher and we went to this candy/antique store that smelled like dust.  Champaigne truffles among over-priced vinyl, feather fans, metal mermaid link purses 100 years old, big rings, lamps and books, gumdrops, chocolates and lollipops and souveniers.  I bought my first Oscar Wilde.  I'm waiting to read him until after I finish Dr. John's autobiography.  Maybe another New Year's resolution can be to stop reading so many goddamn autobiographies and start educating myself on philosophy or reading classic cats like Wilde.  He sold it to me for $3.  

After that the two boys bought a 6 pack of Pabst and we sat on some stoop and laughed our ass-cheeks right off.  Like Steven's story where he took methadone and blacked out and came to in an alley getting head from this guy who was taking him home on his bike and he took out his cellphone and called his friend and could only say "get here fast" over and over.  or something.  And realizing again how much fun the bay area is, especially when compared to Boston.  They were sort of name-calling some people that passed us and gave us dirty looks, "puritans!"  I don't know, Steven was wearing a pin on his knit sweater that said "I'm bi-sexual but no, I don't think you are attractive" and had these motorcycle boots that were so worn-in that they were more like slippers.  He kind of reminded me of Joel Gion.  

Oh!  I got Tepid Peppermint Wonderland for Christmas!  Also JJ Got Live RTX, and Howls From The Hills.  As well as the cougar belt buckle and motorcycle boots and Lush Flying Fox shower gel and some other wonderous gifts.

Also I think "you're a stone fox" is probably the best compliment I've never heard.  so get to it!

listen loud, it's the only way.

YOU SHOULD SHUT UP

if i could be anywhere, i'd have breakfast in NYC and fall asleep in San Francisco.
i've been thinking a lot about The Other "half" of my life. Wishing I could do the blues club boogie. i'm starting to get the itch again. I'm reading Dr. John's autobiography: Under A Hoodoo Moon. It is excellent. One of the smoothest-reading books I've read in a long time. It's partially as fascinating as it is because it's history I know nothing about. New Orleans in the 50's.
my aggro white gangsta neighbors who happen to share a wall with my bedroom are having another one of their lovely rap festivities. tonight the musical entertainment is refreshingly splattered with bits of 90s metal hard rock. Wonderous.
Can't wait for 6am, when I need to get up and go to work.

Tonight I stole a beautiful headband. maybe someday i'll mature past that cheap adrenaline rush. instead of doing laundry i rode nadia's bike and she took jenna's and we went to urban outfitters in harvard square and i found a book called something the guide to a hedonistic lifestyle, which was pretty much perfect and made for me. but i'm trying to save money so i didn't buy it.
i've been thinking about being a B type personality a lot since Andy told me that's what he thought i primarily was. won't deny it, 'cause it's true. my motto has always been, "if it isn't fun, why're you doing it?" or, more positively, "if it feels good, do it."
i then wandered around looking at these beautiful clothes and accessories that were so soft and feminine in a good way that i really wanted to be girly. like their lingerie. AND now i guess feathers are in fashion, sooooo i died a couple times. their SMALL flasks are $18! wait. that wasn't girly. sorry.
i ALMOST lost one of my mom's motorcycle gloves she gave me and we had to ride halfway back to find it. i should never own anything important, EVER. because i WILL lose it. it's a miracle i've found my motorcycle ring as many times as i have.

wow. so that was about art.