some visual creations that stemmed from this hand

I've found a new visual lover. He doesn't know it but I'm fine with that.

Will Sweeney
http://alakazamlabel.com/




ROBERT CRUMB'S OPENING IS TONIGHT AND I AM SO EXCITED!!


degree project work so far

Becoming Lucid

I don't feel so free.

i just want to think. i finally feel like a true artist.
listening to some of my classmates talk, it is overwhelming. i cannot think the way they think. i need to separate myself because it confuses me. my life path is different.
i am not afraid of anything. this is because i believe in myself. not as anything but as myself. i am not one thing but a compilation of things that exist in a completely different way--i am memories and i have been love, i am millions of atoms, we just accept to exist. my flesh is a history that belongs to everyone i've ever met.
i don't give a shit about living in illusion. but i want to live the illusion, awake.

everyone has the same dream as me.
I'm struggling with that because I don't like being the same as everyone else. yes, maybe i will be different because i will break through because i've got that weird spark inside of me. I suppress any doubts because they are poison. so i continue to search for what will make me different.


what is not different: Preoccupation with death and the simultaneous weight of trying to experience


You are your own reality and we have millions of realities to choose from
I want to feel everything
i want to smile as i die. there. that's a goal.

change

Listen to your body.

Does your throat hurt?  Have you lied to someone lately?

After every third bite ask yourself if you're still hungry?  Are you drinking enough?

Not feeling anything about a situation does not mean that it invalidates the situation for what it was, or that you don't respect the feelings you once had.

Simply thinking about the situation is a way of honoring it in all of its complexity.

Letting go is recognizing that life is change.

Ritual is an outward manifestation of your intention to move on and allow change its path.

It externally supports an interior acceptance and is valid.

I normally never listen to this kind of music, but I turned on the RADIO this morning (88.9) and for some reason these three songs felt perfect at the time.

Blitzen Trapper- Furr  i like the myth.

The Clash- Straight to Hell

Cat Power- New York  i normally HATE her.

Then I went on a new music discovery binge and leafed through the Amoeba booklet and wrote down music that sounds intriguing.

I already am familiar with this album, but I highly recommend it: Roots of Chicha

The climax of Cheap Thrills last night was Bo Diddley's "Mona."

art.

today i'm going to do my next degree project piece.  i slept long and well with many dreams i can't remember.  

i'm blowing snot and blood and i'm bored with idea of being sick all the damn time.

i've got some ideas brewing.  i also have an opportunity to do an album cover... i haven't been inspired naturally yet, so it's time to look into my image banks and pull some stuff out and stare at it and piece it together.

i have no respect for reviews, i would cite this as a problem but that was my last one, so that's nice.  i think the only helpful/non-general feedback i got was from Chris Goodwin.  He gave me ideas of what to do technically, not vague suggestions or complaints about how i, (a) don't have concepts (b) that my concepts are too hard to understand.

also an interesting thing that i think two people mentioned was backgrounds.  i guess unless i'm doing a scene i just don't feel like putting one in because it feels arbitrary.  i think sometimes during reviews the reviewers kind of prepare themselves with a mental list of points and then go around to each person and apply that list to their work without taking the time to delve very deeply into the piece and try to understand what it needs.

also Emily was showing me pictures from Australia and her work is so inspiring to me.  she's just so free when she paints and draws.  i still want to feel that way...  i've got to get a new sketchbook.

i'm also sick of people talking about making larger scale work.  that's what i mean, they look for the opposite of what you're doing and assume that if they suggest the opposite, they're going to push you to do something real cutting edge.  it's so impersonal that i find it insulting.

i've got an itch in my throat

i keep feeling earthquakes

i am having an insane time trying to concentrate on this research report.  i'm taking care of a bunch of heavy emotional shit right now and it's really hard to figure out what should be my priority.  

i've been daydreaming all day and asking everyone i see weird theoretical questions.  i'm an inch away from getting sick.  what the fuck.  how 'bout my body just fucking sucks it up and stays healthy, huh?

Being Back

Good things:

dancing to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction with Emily, singing it like we mean it.  a girl pulling me aside and telling me i'm the best dancer, she means it.  purchasing those dark green velour hot pants with belt loops.  wearing them with my cougar belt buckle and platforms.  Yesterday finding a carbon copy of the vintage fake fur jacket Alicia and I shared when we went to go see Orange Sunshine.  not eating as much and enjoying not having a stomach.  walking a shitton.  listening to Hawkwind right now.  changing his mind and behaviour pattern just by being me YEEah, baby!  feeling wild again.  walking all day in San Francisco, partying every night in the ballroom.  the neon lime green vintage micro Emily brought back from Australia for me.  drinking jack daniels from teacups.  my cousin taking it on as a personal mission to smoke my sister and me up with the best CA has to offer.  Being an animal and biting lips.  the bruise under my right shoulder.  riding a motorcycle with my kind of driver down the great highway and experiencing the most sublime happiness i've ever felt (well, tied with orgasms and Orange Sunshine shows).  living in delusion that this isn't boston.

bad things:

being real nasty to guys that i think are lame.  wanting the plane to crash coming into boston knowing i'd at least die happy.  deciding that i don't want to illustrate.  hurting one of my friends and getting the saddest poetic e-mails from her missing me.  having a terrible time writing my research report because so much has changed.  realizing the technical impossibilities of my installation.  not being on the west coast.

i'm pretty sure thinking doesn't count.  so aside from some pretty intense personal work, i guess i don't have anything to show.

so shit.

i'm off to San Francisco in, like, 3 hours.  I'm pulling an all-nighter.  I haven't packed yet.  I haven't had a vacation yet.

i wanted to do personal work in time for reviews but i've been working and i've been sick and i've been tired and thinking and finishing up my incomplete.  i don't even know what to say.

i don't know if i'm disappointed in myself, because i'm not sure how much more i could have done.  that's kind of how last semester was/is.  

i need this trip.  going to a place where there are my sort of freaks, people who can get a little wild and not be chicken-skinned about something a little different, something a little ALIVE.  when i'm there i'm going to live like you can't really do, here.  

ciao.

if you want something, you've got to BE it until you ARE it.