physical fights feel so good. i think it's healthy to release the primal, there's so much tension in a day sometimes at the end i just want to throw up or fuck a lot or fight. tonight i want to cough until i vomit and then sleep forever with rich dreams that show me something. i don't want a morning or an afternoon but i want a night of madness.

portfolio class made me mad the english way. just listening to irena and that other dude and paul... it's like they're from a different planet. i understand everything they're saying but every atom in my body rejects it. i was convulsing inside. The huge rant about professionalism. i'm fucked. i always get personal. i put such an emphasis on the personal. i don't want to be professional, i want to pull people into my whirlwind and have them right there with me.
i like andy because he thinks about the individual and doesn't generalize a group. i need to work through some stuff. i've NEVER compromised a part of myself for anyone and it's going to be REALLY WEIRD to start editing myself now. i've always forced myself on others and made them conform to ME. now i shouldn't have pictures of naked chicks on a website or anything and it boggles my mind. is nudity offensive? I want to make transgressive art. i want to make things that challenge peoples' perceptions of what is appropriate. this is about my life. this is about how i see life. it's about sex, it's about getting out of your mind or getting deeper inside of it, it's about rock and roll, it's about getting wild, being primal, being indulgent, thinking about yourself and taking control of your life.
i'm confused.

it was really bizarre during the visiting artist lecture experiencing the tiny interactions between the artist and the illustration professors. it was like a bunch of sell outs chuckling. it was a little sad to me because i think that essentially all artists want to maintain their integrity of vision and not change their form of expression in exchange for some cash. and i find it sad that people let themselves believe that that's necessary.
call me naive
i just know that there are artists out there that DO unapologetically maintain their integrity AND are successful. and i know it's possible.

I think i figured out why i'm so weird when i talk in class. i think it's my shyness coming through in a new way. i think i'm pretty socially awkward, well, i know i am when i'm not one on one. so i think that's what's happening especially in Degree Project or when i'm really blunt.