on muses

I think of myself more as a collector of images than an artist.  I'm not sure if I like thinking of myself as an artist, I don't really like the sound of the word.

What I aspire to be is a muse.  Lilu wrote me this:

"I was reading some of your writings lovely.  

and I have come to the very serious conclusion that some of your best pieces were inspired by men.  

now I'm very serious about what I'm going to say next so don't laugh.

I know you imagine ourself a muse to great poets, but I believe with every inch of my heart sug that you yourself were meant to find yourself a pure muse so that you may grow and use them to become a flaming success.  no use is a bad word.  you require a muse so that they may inhabit your mind and you their soul.  without one I certainly see no real hope for you dear.

Great artists who struggle to know their own potential need a muse.  someone of purity, a non-passive soul that serves only to excite.  I believe this is what you need.  

I believe you want this.

you want someone who makes you see shining stars rain down and who sends shivers to and fro round your body.  muses do this love you know that better than all.  perhaps everyone needs a muse."

The seed of this heavy realization had surfaced in my mind earlier the same day.  I realized that all of, what I consider, my most successful writings were all based or inspired by men.  Maybe that's true of my visual art as well.  

So in aspiring to be a muse to others, I need to find my own.  A muse must be self-sufficient and Create on her or his own.  S/he cannot be dependent on being an inspiration to others to feel self-satisfaction.  I think that perhaps The muse is love.  Not just romantic love, but isn't it essentially love that motivates all of us?

I must create to satiate my need for self-expression.  And I want to be a creative force to be reckoned with.  I know I am in other facets of my life, but I want it to be that way in visual art as well.

And this semester, for the first time in my life, I've decided to dedicate myself to my visual art.  In the past I've relied on other sources of expression, but I've come to realize that I just need more confidence and then I'll be able to express myself through my art the way I want to, and I'm not going to gain confidence by not taking risks.  And I need to make myself vulnerable and draw ugly things and make haneous colour choices, etc.

whatever.

all of that is boring.